This is not my ceiling
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
