how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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