You can't special order awesome
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
