I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
