he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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