I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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