I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The beer is more important than you right now.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
