Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
