i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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