I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
