Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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