I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
