Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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