You work out of a Hotel?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
