I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
