It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
