I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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