I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
this boner is exhausting
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
