i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
