Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
