Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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