i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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