he thought i was a dude.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
