I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
