If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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