Already got asked if we're dating
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
