I love black thongs
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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