why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
