you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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