Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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