omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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