He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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