I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
