i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
