On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
