Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
