I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
