the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
