Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
