By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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