im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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