I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
