You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
