The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
