i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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