well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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