It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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