I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
