I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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