Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
